Payday just came last week together with our 13th-month pay and to be honest, I have no more funds left. I didn't really expect that I'd be spending that much. I forgot to plan first because I got pressured. I mean, the sale was about to end so I just went ahead and added everything to my shopping cart. When I checked my bank account, I had to pause for a long time because I had to process everything that just happened. Silly me. I don't regret it though. I was able to buy things for myself that I wouldn't have been able to afford back then. To be clear, I don't really earn that much but the fact that I'm still able to tick off some things from my wish-list makes me feel good and motivated. It gives me hope that I can still get to the life I've always wanted to be.
Back to the main story, another reason my funds got wiped out is because I bought gifts! I'm not really the type to give gifts like it's not in my nature. But this time, I went and bought gifts for selected people. Well, some were obligatory but I still like the feeling it gives. It makes things more festive, you know? I don't celebrate Christmas for the real purpose of it. I don't care about the religion stuff behind it. But I like the feeling of festivity. So when I got my bonus, it really turned my festivity meter to a full. Aside from the obligatory gifts, I bought gifts for the few people I think deserve it. And of course, leave out that person who talked shit about me last year when I was unemployed.
Well, to be honest, this year is also a revenge for me. Last year really drove me to the edge I was so close to losing hope. Anxiety mixed with the shitty remarks I got from these people really affected me. But it's all different now. I am feeling better and more positive and I have funds to treat myself. And I really made sure to come up with a good revenge so I can show these shit people that I can do it. Hah. I can't wait to see their reaction and hear more of their negative talking about me after Christmas. Oh, but this time, I'm not going to cry but laugh because that just means, I hit them right where it hurts.
It's about time I let go of some of my hobbies. I don't know. I guess I just realized I'm just clinging into the past image of me and not because I still enjoy it? Like for example, drawing. I used to draw a lot but I can't even hold a pencil now. How can I say that I still like to draw?
Also, I've decided to stop putting up covers. It's just not fun anymore. I'm sick of practicing songs just to please other people's ears. It's just making me feel insecure every time I post something in public and I don't get comments. Like, even if I know that I'm just posting for fun, there's still something at the back of my mind that makes me feel that way. And I'm just not made for this. It's giving me too much stress and I don't like it.
I don't see myself improving in those things anyway. Sure, I can do it but it's hard to feel rewarded when you're average. I'll just stick to the things where I can feel satisfied like reading and writing. Heh.
It's been 2 weeks and some things have changed again for me. Like how I used to prefer sans serif before but look at me, using serif for this post. It's so funny how my taste in things seems to change all the time when my day is literally just the same as the previous one – work, chores, play games, eat and sleep. I guess it depends on what I'm feeling at the moment. Actually, I am feeling really down right now. I don't know but maybe it's the season? So maybe this is the reason I am very inconsistent about everything. Hopefully, I'll be able to get past this soon. I'm really really tired but I'll do my best to stay positive.
It's been a while. The truth is, the last few weeks I haven't been writing, I was actually feeling very down and found myself not talking to anyone anymore again which basically means, not checking their messages. Oh, I even deleted my covers on Insta because of it. I do know why it all happened but I'm just going to keep it to myself. But it's a lot better now compared to last week, thanks to some positive self-talk.
A very peaceful week has passed. Well, not as peaceful as you might think but it's still peaceful compared to the last week where I almost broke down. Okay. I'm going to stop talking about that or it might trigger my anxiety once again. Going back, actually, I had a talk with myself that's why. And wow, I have never felt this comforted? So there was this thing that's been bugging me ever since I started communicating again with people. So, I am in the same circle with this person but for some reason, she doesn't react to my replies at all in our group chat after I got back. Like, she purposely ignores everything I say. Obviously, I felt so weird about it. At first, I was like, let's just not mind her. I tried to give her a chance (mentally), like I was the one replying to her directly but meh, she still won't reply at all. So, I decided to just cut ties with her for real and soft-blocked her on my very private twitter. I just can't allow her anymore to see my thoughts when she's literally ignoring me like that. I'm not blaming her if she can't feel a connection with me anymore. We were never that close to begin with. But I am not going to try to fix that up. We're grown-ups already. Well, we're still in our 20s but damn, I don't have the energy to do that. I have a lot of shit to deal with. I'm not going to waste my energy for someone who obviously doesn't want to keep ties with me. So, yeah. After soft-blocking her, I really feel at ease now. In my mind, I was just relieved because finally, I will no longer have to feel burdened about what's between us – whether I should keep it or not and I am proud of myself for doing that – for choosing what makes myself feel at peace.
Okay so confession time: I actually went overbudget this month and it came to the point where my bank account literally went from enough savings to 3 digits in a blink of an eye. I swear I'm not usually like this. I literally just woke up one day and felt like treating myself and my brothers a little extra this month while chanting “We deserve this. We went through a lot this month so we deserve this.” Hah. Yes, I know that's not a valid excuse to overspend but I refuse to be so hard on myself for this. To be honest, I never go hard on myself for overspending like I'm actually just chill about it. Hah. I mean there's no point in crying over something that has already been done. Duh. Plus, I enjoyed every moment of it anyway. No need to ruin the memory? But yeah, I'm not going to deny the fact that I really went overbudget this time so I guess there'll be no matcha drinks for me for the next months until December since I also have to save for the year-end plans and presents. Wish me luck?
I just want to say that this week has been really the happiest for me. Basically what happened was my voice got praised by someone I didn't even know personally after I shared a song cover then I got compliments on my hair after I posted a video of me playing ukulele then I got to talk with my college friend about life which rarely happens because we're busy with work. And the best yet, I got to reunite (through Insta) with my almost-best friend in highschool. We had a deep talk about stuff that happened between us and had a proper closure about that and the way we're talking was as if we never parted ways at all. I mean, we were both still so comfy with each other! I'm so touched. It's like we really missed each other that much.
What a week, for real. Hah. To be honest, this week started with me really getting fucked with work that I'm just looking forward to get to 5:30 every single day. I never expected it would end in such a positive note. I swear, never have I ever received so much validation like this. And I'm not gonna lie about this – I don't know how to handle this feeling. I'm scared and nervous but it's also making me feel fuzzy and warm and motivated that it's making me cry. I wonder what this complicated emotion is. Hah. Whatever I don't have time to think about that. But I'm really thankful for all this validation. For real. Aaaaaa.
What a busy week for me at work! I swear I didn't even get the time to breathe because the tasks just keep piling up. Pfft. Well, I had no choice since I got assigned in an urgent project. From the minute I saw the word “priority” I knew I had to work fast. And well, I did manage to finish them on time. And I think I would've been able to finish it earlier if not for my latest commit being overriden by an older commit. I know it's just a small mistake but it was still a hassle to redo all the stuff I added. I had to re-check, re-build and re-upload everything. I'm gonna be honest I kinda got pissed I almost sent a message to the gc. Good thing I was able to control myself. I realized I'm not a kid anymore and I have to act professional all the time. Good thing this platform exists because I can freely vent.
Anyway, I just want to say I'm proud of myself because I managed to finish all the tasks especially the WordPress tasks from that project before Friday. As much as possible, I aim to finish my tasks within 3 days maximum. And if it's an easy one, I always aim to finish it in a day. And for this project, I did it within 3 days. Hah. I can really feel that I'm improving. Heh. Cheers to growth!
I finally got my first limited 5-star in Genshin! I wasn't really hoping for it because I wanted to C1 Ningguang but I managed to pull Ayaka so I was shocked. Damn. Too bad, it'll be hard to ascend her because all her ascension materials are at Inazuma. Even her free-to-play sword can be obtained from a quest in Inazuma! Damn. That's why I am really playing hard these days and uh, stealing resources from other players. Hah. I just want to use her asap. She's my first 5-star so obviously, I'm going all out on her.
Another 16th has passed by and in case you didn't check your calendar, it was last Friday which means I got greeted by my workmates. It was awkward for me because I'm not used to being greeted but whatever we're on remote work anyway.
To be honest, I don't really celebrate the 16th. I just like the feel of it like it's a day where we can eat delicious food without feeling guilty about our calorie intake. Heh. It's not just the 16th. I don't celebrate christmas but I like the feeling of it. There’s just something in the energy that lifts up my mood that even though my parents are present, I don't care.
If you ask my wish, well, I don't really do that. Instead I write the things I want to change. You know, new age, new me. Hah. But uh, I'm hoping I'd get to cross out atleast half from the list of things I want and need to buy. I'm not going to stress myself over that though.
Also, since I'm technically an adult now, I made up my mind that I'll finally cut ties with people who I don't really vibe with. I just don't want to waste my time anymore trying to be friends with some people. I want to focus on myself and uh, my small-now-smaller group of friends.