月

It's been a while. The truth is, the last few weeks I haven't been writing, I was actually feeling very down and found myself not talking to anyone anymore again which basically means, not checking their messages. Oh, I even deleted my covers on Insta because of it. I do know why it all happened but I'm just going to keep it to myself. But it's a lot better now compared to last week, thanks to some positive self-talk.

A very peaceful week has passed. Well, not as peaceful as you might think but it's still peaceful compared to the last week where I almost broke down. Okay. I'm going to stop talking about that or it might trigger my anxiety once again. Going back, actually, I had a talk with myself that's why. And wow, I have never felt this comforted? So there was this thing that's been bugging me ever since I started communicating again with people. So, I am in the same circle with this person but for some reason, she doesn't react to my replies at all in our group chat after I got back. Like, she purposely ignores everything I say. Obviously, I felt so weird about it. At first, I was like, let's just not mind her. I tried to give her a chance (mentally), like I was the one replying to her directly but meh, she still won't reply at all. So, I decided to just cut ties with her for real and soft-blocked her on my very private twitter. I just can't allow her anymore to see my thoughts when she's literally ignoring me like that. I'm not blaming her if she can't feel a connection with me anymore. We were never that close to begin with. But I am not going to try to fix that up. We're grown-ups already. Well, we're still in our 20s but damn, I don't have the energy to do that. I have a lot of shit to deal with. I'm not going to waste my energy for someone who obviously doesn't want to keep ties with me. So, yeah. After soft-blocking her, I really feel at ease now. In my mind, I was just relieved because finally, I will no longer have to feel burdened about what's between us – whether I should keep it or not and I am proud of myself for doing that – for choosing what makes myself feel at peace.

Okay so confession time: I actually went overbudget this month and it came to the point where my bank account literally went from enough savings to 3 digits in a blink of an eye. I swear I'm not usually like this. I literally just woke up one day and felt like treating myself and my brothers a little extra this month while chanting “We deserve this. We went through a lot this month so we deserve this.” Hah. Yes, I know that's not a valid excuse to overspend but I refuse to be so hard on myself for this. To be honest, I never go hard on myself for overspending like I'm actually just chill about it. Hah. I mean there's no point in crying over something that has already been done. Duh. Plus, I enjoyed every moment of it anyway. No need to ruin the memory? But yeah, I'm not going to deny the fact that I really went overbudget this time so I guess there'll be no matcha drinks for me for the next months until December since I also have to save for the year-end plans and presents. Wish me luck?

I just want to say that this week has been really the happiest for me. Basically what happened was my voice got praised by someone I didn't even know personally after I shared a song cover then I got compliments on my hair after I posted a video of me playing ukulele then I got to talk with my college friend about life which rarely happens because we're busy with work. And the best yet, I got to reunite (through Insta) with my almost-best friend in highschool. We had a deep talk about stuff that happened between us and had a proper closure about that and the way we're talking was as if we never parted ways at all. I mean, we were both still so comfy with each other! I'm so touched. It's like we really missed each other that much.

What a week, for real. Hah. To be honest, this week started with me really getting fucked with work that I'm just looking forward to get to 5:30 every single day. I never expected it would end in such a positive note. I swear, never have I ever received so much validation like this. And I'm not gonna lie about this – I don't know how to handle this feeling. I'm scared and nervous but it's also making me feel fuzzy and warm and motivated that it's making me cry. I wonder what this complicated emotion is. Hah. Whatever I don't have time to think about that. But I'm really thankful for all this validation. For real. Aaaaaa.

What a busy week for me at work! I swear I didn't even get the time to breathe because the tasks just keep piling up. Pfft. Well, I had no choice since I got assigned in an urgent project. From the minute I saw the word “priority” I knew I had to work fast. And well, I did manage to finish them on time. And I think I would've been able to finish it earlier if not for my latest commit being overriden by an older commit. I know it's just a small mistake but it was still a hassle to redo all the stuff I added. I had to re-check, re-build and re-upload everything. I'm gonna be honest I kinda got pissed I almost sent a message to the gc. Good thing I was able to control myself. I realized I'm not a kid anymore and I have to act professional all the time. Good thing this platform exists because I can freely vent.

Anyway, I just want to say I'm proud of myself because I managed to finish all the tasks especially the WordPress tasks from that project before Friday. As much as possible, I aim to finish my tasks within 3 days maximum. And if it's an easy one, I always aim to finish it in a day. And for this project, I did it within 3 days. Hah. I can really feel that I'm improving. Heh. Cheers to growth!

I finally got my first limited 5-star in Genshin! I wasn't really hoping for it because I wanted to C1 Ningguang but I managed to pull Ayaka so I was shocked. Damn. Too bad, it'll be hard to ascend her because all her ascension materials are at Inazuma. Even her free-to-play sword can be obtained from a quest in Inazuma! Damn. That's why I am really playing hard these days and uh, stealing resources from other players. Hah. I just want to use her asap. She's my first 5-star so obviously, I'm going all out on her.

Another 16th has passed by and in case you didn't check your calendar, it was last Friday which means I got greeted by my workmates. It was awkward for me because I'm not used to being greeted but whatever we're on remote work anyway.

To be honest, I don't really celebrate the 16th. I just like the feel of it like it's a day where we can eat delicious food without feeling guilty about our calorie intake. Heh. It's not just the 16th. I don't celebrate christmas but I like the feeling of it. There’s just something in the energy that lifts up my mood that even though my parents are present, I don't care.

If you ask my wish, well, I don't really do that. Instead I write the things I want to change. You know, new age, new me. Hah. But uh, I'm hoping I'd get to cross out atleast half from the list of things I want and need to buy. I'm not going to stress myself over that though.

Also, since I'm technically an adult now, I made up my mind that I'll finally cut ties with people who I don't really vibe with. I just don't want to waste my time anymore trying to be friends with some people. I want to focus on myself and uh, my small-now-smaller group of friends.

I still can't believe this. After a week of waiting, the phone I ordered finally arrived?! I was actually still sleeping when the deliveryman came so another person received it for me. But damn. I just had the loveliest morning for who knows how long had it been. I am just so happy last Friday! I swear, I am just so in a good mood that I literally finished all the pages I was assigned to do. Hah. Well, to be fair, the design for the project I'm currently working on is simpler and more professional that's why the CSS is easier. No freaking floating images and random lines whatsoever. Just sleek and sharp forms. I'm not sure if I will still be productive in Monday though. The remaining pages are quite hard even for a simple design... A product list and product page? Without CSS frameworks?! Damn.

Back to my new phone, I'm currently taking a lot of time migrating all my notes and stuff from one app to another app. Ever since my phone officially died, I've been using my laptop for everything even with my journal so it's really taking me a lot of time. But I know I'll finish this soon enough... if I don't get distracted. Oops. That aside, I'm just glad that I can finally get my shit together. I actually like writing notes and plans and listing down things that's why it was really hard for me to become organized when my previous phone broke since I put everything there. Nah, I don't feel safe in writing down on a notebook so I put all my stuff on my phone. But now, I'm back. After months of waiting, I'm finally back!

This week, a lot of things happened. If you ask me if I'm okay, I'll tell you straight up – no. But still, I feel very happy and excited. Because after months of living with no phone, I finally bought myself one! And with my own hard-earned money at that!! I'm just so happy. Finally I won't have to stay up all day in front of my laptop to do the very basic things. I won't have to open my laptop anymore just to check my todo list or just to write on my private journal. Aaaaa. Problems? I don't know her. Drama? I don't know her either. I swear. I'm way up in cloud nine. I don't care. People can go talk shit about me all they want but no, I'm just too happy they won't ruin my mood. Heh.