I just want to say that I'm really, really tired now. Tired of solving problems at work. Tired of coding. Tired of thinking how I will survive. Tired of just making ends meet every cutoff. Tired of paying bills. Tired of trying to smile. Tired of having to deal with people. Tired of thinking whether I offended someone or not. Tired of holding on to friendships. Tired of being me. Tired of being alive. Tired of everything. Tired. Fucking tired.
Guess what? Everything in my life right now is going down. I don't even know if I will be able to survive tomorrow. I spent a lot this year, like, a lot. It's like I don't know how bad my salary is. I wish I could've done better but I'm not going to dwell on it. What's done is done. But for real, I really need to control my spending habit. Well, with the amount of bills I have for the next year, I don't think I can still splurge. Hah.
I am honestly feeling overwhelmed these days that I want to cry. And no, it's not tears of sadness but tears of joy. Being showered with affection by someone is such a magical feeling, especially for me, who never had that kind of experience. As I've always mentioned, I grew up very detached and never showed nor received any affection at all. I don't even know how to fucking hug! I've always held back expressing my emotions. And yet... I am at that place right now. I am being loved without being forced to return the same amount of effort. I am being taught how to love without being pressured. I am being able to express my feelings without being judged. I can't believe I am getting to experience this right now. I feel so normal. I feel so safe. I feel so free. I am just feeling very touched right now that I want to cry. Actually, I am already crying right now. What a nice feeling it is. I am really grateful to have met this person. Forever I will be.
I don't know what I ate that day. I just grabbed my poetry book and then I felt something spark inside me. I swear, after that day, I suddenly felt so alive I literally felt my blood flowing through my veins. Hah. So yeah, I'm taking advantage of this booming feeling and already planned out a new everyday routine. I'm not making it strict like my approach before though. I want to stick for a long time rather than be perfect. As someone who's been in a major slump, I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm kinda looking forward to my days now.
Just turned 25 last weekend. To be honest, I don't know what to feel. If you look at my routine right now, it literally just consists of work and playing games. And there's this little spark inside me that kind of want to do something. The thing is, I don't know what should I do? Ack. I guess que sera sera again.
What a devastating week for me right when my birthday's around the corner. My kittens passed away just yesterday. I went to the vet a few days ago, tried to give them meds but they weren't strong enough to handle it. They left after 1-2 days. Everything is still so fresh right now and I just can't help but feel so down. And yet, I can't just break down because their mother is sick too and I can't just let her be without doing anything. All I ever want is to have a peaceful day on my birthday but I don't think I'll ever feel at ease until she recovers.
I thought this year would be different. After my kittens died last year, I thought I'm ready enough to become a cat mom again. And yet, this thing happened again. I honestly wanted to scream at myself. Scream so loud I won't ever hear anything anymore. Because I know why they died. I know it was my fault why they died. It was because I wasn't responsible enough to get them vaccinated. I've been so stuck with the idea that they are strays and they can do without it. Just because our first family cat survived until his senior years without going to the vet (my family doesn't want to spend money for him + I was still a student back then), doesn't mean the next kittens I bring will. I'm so stupid. First thing I should've done is get them vaccinated. And yet, I didn't for some reason. I'm so dumb. If only I could turn back time. Oh I wish I could. Now there's nothing but their memories. I'm still keeping my hopes up for the mother cat. I feel like she has a chance to survive. I hope she does. Please. I promise I'll become a better mom. Please.
I think this will be the last time I'm going to be a cat mom. I'm going to give myself first some time to cry, feel sad and reflect on all the shit I've been doing and educate myself about the proper way of caring for cats starting from the most basic thing up to tiniest detail. Just being a cat lover isn't enough. Adopting a cat is a whole new responsibility. If a cat can't even reach 1 year of age (human year) under your supervision, you're seriously doing something wrong. Yes, I'm talking to myself right now. Sigh. This will be a long break for me but I promise, one day, I'll be able to call myself a cat mom again. And a proud one at that.
Having an attachment issue sure is hard. Like, I want to go out with my circle but I just can't find the energy to make an extra effort. Invite me for a coffee, sure, I'll go but no, not on out-of-towns or sleepovers. I don't know. Maybe I just don't feel the connection anymore that's why I don't feel like making an effort? Not everyone can understand but the thing is, it always had been this way for me. I'm by default detached so if we don't interact anymore, on my side, it just naturally fades. No, I don't need attention. I think it's more related to energy. I can't explain how but it's like the less energy you give me, the less I give back too. Maybe it's some kind of coping mechanism for me? An armor? But yeah. Doesn't mean I'm cutting off that person in my life. We're still acquainted but the attachment, the connection, it's kind of blurry on my side because I don't see or feel it anymore, something like that. Hah. In fact, these days, whenever I'm daydreaming of doing something, I always imagine doing it alone which is a good thing for me. It means I'm really getting comfortable with being alone now. And I want to continue exploring that feeling. So yeah, I guess I'll be turning down everyone until next year. Hah.
2 weeks in 2022 and it's already this hectic. I swear I'm already getting tired just by thinking of the amount of work to be done.
There's a project I was assigned on and I am literally the only one working on it. I'm used to working alone but I'm not gonna lie, sometimes it's really tiring to be doing everything on your own especially if the project's big. I'm at the point where, if given a chance to ask for members, I'd definitely take it because right now, I'm literally working like a 3-man team right now just to comply with the deadline! It's so exhausting for reaaaal. I wanted to ask for team members but I'm kinda waiting for the TL to do it on their own will. In the end, the other project got everyone on board while I'm left alone. Lol. I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Atleast I'm learning.
PS. Actually, in my head, it's “Oh, not this lame excuse again.”
Another year has passed. And to be honest, 2021 has been a big roller-coaster ride for me because as far as I remember, I actually started 2021 with an anxious heart and yet, I managed to end it feeling calm and content. You see, a lot has happened to me in a span of a year. And my mental health really got fucked up in all of this. Imagine having to live with people who you know had been bad-mouthing you for every single thing you do. The negative energy's just too much for someone to handle. I'm honestly in awe at myself because despite all that, I am still here. Just wow. I guess I've gotten stronger?
I have a lot of plans for 2022 – financially, mentally, and physically. It'll be a tough road yet again but I am feeling hopeful. I just need the right mindset as well as the energy to achieve all of them.
This year will be all about me. Fuck everyone else.
I think this year's holiday is the best for me. Not because of food but because I was able to make some people feel bad. Yup. I'm talking about those people who talked shit about me last year when I was unemployed. I don't feel like telling a backstory though. But let me say, I just love the look on their face when they realized I didn't have any present for them and yet, I was able to prepare one for the people they hate so bad. They're so offended that one of them literally had to message me and try to stop me from giving presents to the people they hate because those people “hurt them”. Like how could someone stop someone for that reason? For all I know, I am the one who decides who I wanna give something and not you? So why the f should I stop it just because you got hurt? This is not about you Karen? Sit down? The audacity. They're the ones who talk shit about those who doesn't think like them, gets mad if you try to go against them, and make you feel stupid if you make a mistake and they have the nerve to say people hurt them? Wow. I bet they don't even realize what emotional distress they've caused me. They're that self-centered. Hah. I wish I could share the details but I don't even know where to start. Long story short, this year's Christmas is one of the best for me. And I'm sure there'll be more to come in the future. Guess who will be writing more revenge stories in the future? Pfft.