Twenty-seven. Still alive. Still trying to survive. Back when I was in my darkest moment of life, I decided to leave the world in this number. But a lot has happened since then and changed everything in me. And now, I'm still here. Looking back, I used to just wait for my parents to give me birthday money so I can at least feel special. Now, I can do it for myself. I still have a long way to get to the life I want but I have come a long way already. I'm kind of glad I wasn't able to end it here. I'm glad there are still people willing to stay with me to witness my success. To witness my future. I am thankful. Normally, birthdays make me sad. It still made me feel sad especially this year where I was supposed to end everything, and yet, I feel hopeful instead. I will get past this. I will get there. Life is not a race. I don't need anyone else's approval on how I should live my second life.
My mind is a mess right now with all the things happening around me. But I am positive I can survive this. I will manage... just like the past years. I can survive this. I am manifesting good things this year. I know good things will come my way. I believe all this confusion and pain and sadness will be replaced with clarity and goodness and abundance. It will come to me so I'm going to push forward in a positive mindset even if it's hard.
I still haven't moved on. I don't even know when will I. It still hurts me to view your pictures in my gallery. It will probably take me another month or so before I could do it without my world sinking. You all are still babies and yet you left us already. It hurts so much. I miss you all the time. Sometimes, I even imagine the future if you all were still here. I wish I could have given you all one last hug. Run free, angels. I hope you all are well wherever you are. I love each one of you.
Just like the past years, 2023 has been another rollercoaster ride for me. Not everyday was perfect. Not everyday I was smiling. But it's alright because I never felt alone. There were people who care about me and I am very grateful with these people – my work besties and my boyfriend. They made me feel that I belong. They made me feel that I am important. They made me feel that it's alright to take it slow. They made me feel that I can do it. I guess there's no other way but continue to 2024? I still have a long way to go and it's okay. I've been really hard with myself for not achieving the same things my peers have achieved that I almost failed to realize I did a lot of things this year as well. I have my own life. My win is a win. It doesn't matter if it's not for others. So yeah, let's go 2024! Let's do this!
These days, it feels like I'm slowly getting back to my routine. Today, I had the energy to organize my book notes and it just felt so satisfying. This is making me feel better of course because after being in a major slump + burnout + having a lot of mental breakdown, this just means I'm ready to fight again. Slowly but surely. I don't know why I had let those negative thoughts eat me but I promise I'm going back now. Back to that calmness. That calmness where I don't feel pressured. That calmness where I don't compare myself with others. That calmness where I don't let other people affect me. That calmness where I stay focused only on my goals. Back to that calmness, slowly.
First time in years I celebrated my birthday. This time, I had people with me. It was overwhelming to the point that I wanted to cancel it and just lie down, and at the same time, it felt nice. I'm really getting older. I still have a long way to go in terms of financial stability so I have to be stronger than ever. I'm not alone. And I should always remember that. They might not say it to my face but they do care. Where did I even get that idea that they don't? I really need to fight this negativity inside me. The day before my birthday celebration, I actually cried because I kept worrying about the future. But worries are part of life. No one knows what going to happen tomorrow. How am I so sure that I won't get there to the life I want? The world is already harsh so I should treat myself with love and kindness. It's alright to feel worried because that's just a human thing. But that does not mean I should let those worries hinder myself. Honestly, I haven't finished writing my 26-year old resolutions but I am feeling more positive now. I feel like I can do it, whatever that “it” is.
I really can't help but get triggered when people call me 'KJ' for not wanting to participate in a social activity especially if it's from someone who you thought knew. I think I made it clear already that I am a fucking introvert... Why am I getting that word again? Is it my responsibility to interact with everyone even though I don't like them? Is that my purpose in life? Last time I checked, I live to satisfy myself not other people. Last time I checked, I don't give a shit about other people and only care about those who matter to me. So why am I being labelled as “KJ” just because I don't want to interact? Am I really required to make everyone my friend? Damn. Those two fucking letters really sour my mood. What irks me more is how people usually react after saying this. Instead of apologizing for making me feel invalidated, they're giving back a sour reaction. People say they understand how hard it is to fucking live like this but it really shows they don't. Do you know how much energy I have to use just to stop myself from crying whenever I am with other people? Plus the energy I have to use just so I can make myself present. Ugh. Must be nice to be able to make friends whenever you like. News flash! We are not the same so stop. Just fucking stop. Let me live my fucking life. I am not stopping you to make friends or whatever. But don't push that concept on me because that's not me. Meh. I think I'll end this rant now.
I can't believe I finished 2 books today. Well, I've been stalling reading No Longer Human and actually picked it up again during the lenten break and finally managed to finish it today but I didn't think I'll actually finish Animal Farm today as well... in one sitting. One. Sitting. Like whoa!? I guess I was so in the mood today? It's just a short book, I know, but for the present me, that's amazing. I'm honestly always tired and easily bored and my attention span is soooo short now that's why even I got surprised. Hehe. Now I'm more eager to read. Well, I don't have a goal for how many books to read this year. I used to have that but I always end up feeling bad like when I only get to read 3 books for the whole year, I'll call myself unproductive. Yikes. Not anymore though. I came to realize once again that it's not about the amount of books you've read but the quality. Nope, I'm not going to jump on the reading bandwagon made by the social media people and pressure myself. I'm just going to read here on my own pace and enjoy everything. Okay, off to read Weasels in the Attic!
This month's been a very busy one for me. I've been working overtime for like 3 days every week because of this one project. I don't have a choice. It was also my fault since I didn't know what to do. As someone who grew up under pressure of always being perfect, it's really hard for me to accept when I don't know how to do something, well, academically. I'm fine in not being street-smart or kitchen-smart but I hate it when I'm not academic-smart or work-smart. Ever since I went to college, I've been stuck into this hole of insecurity. That I'm not smart enough to begin with. That I've reached my limit back in high school. And the more I grow up, the more I fall deeper into it. I lost my confidence. I lost my energy to strive. It's like my mind has shut down on it's own and only allows basic things in because that's what I can only do. Until I was reminded by my partner of a very important thing. That it's okay to not know right away. That everything is learnable. That's it's okay to have weaknesses. That life is not about being perfect. I remember him saying that even he, still asks for help. It was very comforting. Why am I so afraid to ask for help? It's normal. He gave some instructions then I figured out the rest on my own. It was very satisfying. At that moment, I realized that I'm being too hard on myself and I'm not giving myself enough credit. I am not dumb? I just haven't learned it. I didn't know how to count when I was a baby. I just learned how to do it after a lot of practice. Why am I being so strict at myself if I don't know something? Why am I feeling bad for not knowing? Hah. It's so funny. This just shows that I still have a lot to learn. That's all. No other meaning there.
I'm just honestly not feeling okay these days. I try to look cool outside but I've been really mentally-unstable lately. I just want to look for a higher-paying job but thanks to my socially awkward ass, I already missed 2 chances. I can't believe I'm this old and yet I still can't fucking do a decent job interview. I feel so stupid. I want to get over this already. This has been my problem ever since. Ugh. I want to leave my company now! I want to earn bigger. Why are written interviews not a thing? It's so unfair. I mean, okay, it's not their problem if I suck at speaking but can't they be a little bit considerate? Not everyone is good at fucking public speaking. Ack. It's so hard to be an introvert and socially awkward and mentally-ill because everything is so extrovert-friendly! Of course, I'm going to try again. I have no choice, duh. Maybe I'll try to practice by writing down answers? I'm not going to memorize it though. Just to give myself an idea on how I should answer some interview questions. Better than doing nothing, right? Please, I just want to be financially stable enough to live on my own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!