月

This month's been a very busy one for me. I've been working overtime for like 3 days every week because of this one project. I don't have a choice. It was also my fault since I didn't know what to do. As someone who grew up under pressure of always being perfect, it's really hard for me to accept when I don't know how to do something, well, academically. I'm fine in not being street-smart or kitchen-smart but I hate it when I'm not academic-smart or work-smart. Ever since I went to college, I've been stuck into this hole of insecurity. That I'm not smart enough to begin with. That I've reached my limit back in high school. And the more I grow up, the more I fall deeper into it. I lost my confidence. I lost my energy to strive. It's like my mind has shut down on it's own and only allows basic things in because that's what I can only do. Until I was reminded by my partner of a very important thing. That it's okay to not know right away. That everything is learnable. That's it's okay to have weaknesses. That life is not about being perfect. I remember him saying that even he, still asks for help. It was very comforting. Why am I so afraid to ask for help? It's normal. He gave some instructions then I figured out the rest on my own. It was very satisfying. At that moment, I realized that I'm being too hard on myself and I'm not giving myself enough credit. I am not dumb? I just haven't learned it. I didn't know how to count when I was a baby. I just learned how to do it after a lot of practice. Why am I being so strict at myself if I don't know something? Why am I feeling bad for not knowing? Hah. It's so funny. This just shows that I still have a lot to learn. That's all. No other meaning there.