月

But I am afraid I'm slowly losing my ability to do so thanks to this pandemic. I tried looking up some ways how to restore voice that have been on rest for a long time but I can't apply what's written there. I mean, I can't just go doing vocalizations whenever I like in this house and that's what sucks the most. I am aware that the only way for my voice to get back is to sing but I can't and that's causing me so much distress. It's already gotten to the point that it's affecting my mental health now. I am trying to be calm and positive but I don't know how much longer will I be able to keep it up.

I read an article that drinking warm water and ginger tea helps so I recently started drinking ginger tea every morning as part of my plan to restore my voice but I am not putting all my faith on it. I know myself what I need the most and it's to exercise my vocal chords. Still, there's no harm in trying so I'm going to continue my ginger tea mornings and observe what will happen to my throat for a while.

I am not a genius. Singing is the only thing I am confident of because it's the only thing I excel at and I will never be able to accept it if I lose my voice just like that. I really hope it becomes better. I really hope that I'd be able to sing again.

Yesterday, I started my first day at work. Although I am currently still just a trainee, I still can't help but feel happy. Well, after a number of rejections, I finally managed to land a job so there's no reason to not be happy, right?

Being jobless really took a toll on my mental health, especially when I learned that I was the only one left unemployed within our circle. It's not because I am competitive or jealous or insecure. It's because it felt like I had no purpose. I can't stand it. For every single day that I was unemployed, all I did was try to keep myself busy by building a portfolio but failed because I struggled to maintain my focus. I guess it's because I felt too free like there's no adrenaline of beating the deadline at all. The pressure from my family is also something I blame for not being able to focus at all. I get it that our family's experiencing a major financial crisis but why the need to always mention it? It was so hard to not worry and focus when I keep hearing them nag like it's the end of the world. And of course, there's the lingering feeling that I am doing these mini-projects for nothing. In my mind I was like, “No one will even see it so what's the point?”. I told myself I won't do this anymore and just went on applying without portfolio at all which is a bad move.

I am bad at interviews so the least that I can do is to give them a portfolio but even that, I can't provide. How on earth will these employers trust me? Well, they didn't. Can you believe that? I started sending applications last November 2020 but they all got rejected and got interviewed for like three times only by three companies. After getting rejected for how many times, I started doubting myself. But I didn't give up and continued to hold on and I'd give two of my trusted friends credits for that, especially K. She would ask me once in a while how things were going for me and because of that, I managed to force myself to check on new job postings everyday although I already convinced myself that I won't get hired this year. Even by doing such a small thing, she managed to help me big time. Thank you, K!

Honestly, I believe luck also played an important role here. Even the smartest and most skilled person can get struck by bad luck too, you know! I am naturally an unlucky person but I do happen to get lucky every once in a while when my unluckiness stacks up and that's what happened this time – I got really lucky.

Since I already used up almost all my luck this year, it'll be a long time again before luck strikes me again so I have no choice but to do my best to become a regular employee on my own. But I believe I can do this. I know I will be writing about being promoted as a regular employee in the future soon. I believe in myself.

Is it because I am an introvert? Or is it because there's something wrong with me? I don't feel like connecting to anyone, even with my friends. I don't even want to talk. I don't feel really curious on what someone's up to and I don't mind if I don't talk to a person for a year. And most importantly, I don't feel guilty at all. Well, whatever. Life continues.

It's been half a year since I went social-media free but I can already see it’s big impact in my life. For me, it’s being able to do things without having the need for constant validation as well as not getting fed up with the negative energy from internet people, that really made me not come back to it.

I was suffering and had no one to talk to. I stopped talking to anyone from my circle. I lost my confidence. I stopped taking photos of myself. I even stopped using my own photo as my display photo. I stopped posting song covers and deleted them all. I even quit my blog. If you know me personally, you’ll know it was that bad.

What about my mutuals? What about the memories I made? How am I going to reach my friends anymore? Blah blah blah. These were the questions in my head. It was a hard decision. But it was a decision I needed to make for the sake of my mental health. And it was all worth it.

To be honest, it took me quite some time before I decided to finally quit as in delete my twitter quit. But I still did in the end. And I’m not gonna even lie, I have never felt so refreshed before. I am just loving the no social-media life.

I can’t say I’m not suffering anymore in the present. It doesn’t just go away like that. But I am probably doing better than last year. The fact that I am getting back the courage to put my thoughts again somewhere in the cyberspace says something, right? Heh.

I used to run a blog until I quit after a year due to pressure. I don't post religiously so I didn't have much readers.

In an attempt to save my blog's traffic, I tried to read some “how to blog” posts online and did what they said except from buying my own domain. Since I was literally posting just about my personal experiences before I read that article, I thought to myself I was doing it wrong. The article said “no one cares about your personal life” and “people care more about short, informative articles now” so I immediately changed my style to a more marketable content. Good thing I learned journalism basics.

Before, I would just follow the flow of words in my head. But ever since reading that, writing became a very dreadful task for me. I guess it's because our purpose did not align. That blog was meant to help those who want to monetize their blogs. Guess what, that's not what I want to do when I first started my blog. I write because I want to organize my thoughts. In the end, I felt very pressured and left it into dust.

To be honest, if I continued writing article-style posts, my previous blog would be doing better now. But I just can't continue it anymore. It really drains me and I don't want to hate writing. I know I made the right decision. I still write on my notes app. I mean, I'll drown with my thoughts if I don't.

Instead of running a blog and try to figure everything out, I decided to come here and just write whenever I feel like it. I like this better than any other blogging platform. No pressure. Just my pure thoughts.