月

Yesterday, I started my first day at work. Although I am currently still just a trainee, I still can't help but feel happy. Well, after a number of rejections, I finally managed to land a job so there's no reason to not be happy, right?

Being jobless really took a toll on my mental health, especially when I learned that I was the only one left unemployed within our circle. It's not because I am competitive or jealous or insecure. It's because it felt like I had no purpose. I can't stand it. For every single day that I was unemployed, all I did was try to keep myself busy by building a portfolio but failed because I struggled to maintain my focus. I guess it's because I felt too free like there's no adrenaline of beating the deadline at all. The pressure from my family is also something I blame for not being able to focus at all. I get it that our family's experiencing a major financial crisis but why the need to always mention it? It was so hard to not worry and focus when I keep hearing them nag like it's the end of the world. And of course, there's the lingering feeling that I am doing these mini-projects for nothing. In my mind I was like, “No one will even see it so what's the point?”. I told myself I won't do this anymore and just went on applying without portfolio at all which is a bad move.

I am bad at interviews so the least that I can do is to give them a portfolio but even that, I can't provide. How on earth will these employers trust me? Well, they didn't. Can you believe that? I started sending applications last November 2020 but they all got rejected and got interviewed for like three times only by three companies. After getting rejected for how many times, I started doubting myself. But I didn't give up and continued to hold on and I'd give two of my trusted friends credits for that, especially K. She would ask me once in a while how things were going for me and because of that, I managed to force myself to check on new job postings everyday although I already convinced myself that I won't get hired this year. Even by doing such a small thing, she managed to help me big time. Thank you, K!

Honestly, I believe luck also played an important role here. Even the smartest and most skilled person can get struck by bad luck too, you know! I am naturally an unlucky person but I do happen to get lucky every once in a while when my unluckiness stacks up and that's what happened this time – I got really lucky.

Since I already used up almost all my luck this year, it'll be a long time again before luck strikes me again so I have no choice but to do my best to become a regular employee on my own. But I believe I can do this. I know I will be writing about being promoted as a regular employee in the future soon. I believe in myself.